March 09, 2005

Exclusive Interview with Giuliana Sgrena [Dave]

MOFK - As we begin, I'd like to ask, you work for a Communist newspaper, does that make you a Communist?

GS - Well I am a Communist, but not in a Marxist or Stalinst way. I like to describe myself as a laughing smiling Communist.

MOFK - And what the hell does that mean?

GS - It means that I smile and laugh, and I am a Communist.

MOFK - Whatever. Who's your favorite politician?

GS - I am a huge fan of the Chirac, but my life partner would say that I have a huge crush on the Hillary Clinton. I think I look alot like her.

MOFK - What a shock. What do you think of President Bush?

GS - My would be assassin? I think he showed his true colors, he is not smart enough to kill a strong woman.

MOFK - I must warn you, that's Eason Jordan's territory.

GS - Eason is a good friend, but I knew the risks in coming here.

MOFK - Are you brain dead? Any words for the US military in Iraq?

GS - Yes, you are all puppets being pulled by an evil stupid -- how you say? Doodiehead. Yes, doodiehead. I can't believe the left in your country continues to put up with and support such blood-thirsty baby killers.

MOFK - They don't. Those statements are political and contrived.

GS - What a great idea! I shall use it myself to subvert my own government!

MOFK - Don't mention it. How did your captors treat you?

GS - They were generous hosts. They even let me lead their "Death to America" chants a few times.

MOFK - Did the abuse you? Threaten you? Anything?

GS - Oh no, they were much more worried about their goats than me, they made sure to stand guard over them every night. I tried to lure one of them to my bed one night and he ran screaming out to the yard where his favorite goat was kept. I guess I came on too strong.

MOFK - Sure you did. I understand you've got a book deal now.

GS - Oh yes, my co-author is a brilliant artist, professor, writer, and activist. He's also the last of the Mohicans.

MOFK - Are you talking about Ward Churchhill?

GS - Yes! You know him?

MOFK - No, I just know he's a fraud.

GS - How dare you persecute such a fine and upstanding man!

MOFK - I give up. So what was the ransom paid by your government to have your sorry ass back?

GS - We offered them full asylum and legal protection, we also offered them citizenship and welfare for the rest of their lives.

MOFK - I thought the number was ten to fifteen million US.

GS - Well after all the beaurocracy involved, it will cost somewhere in that neighborhood. That's what rich people are for.

MOFK - I've had enough, I need to end this before I strangle you myself you insufferable cunt.

GS - Well, I never --

MOFK - And you never will, goodbye.

Another quality fake interview from Musings of a Fat Kid.