Exclusive Interview with Giuliana Sgrena [Dave]
MOFK - As we begin, I'd like to ask, you work for a Communist newspaper, does that make you a Communist?
GS - Well I am a Communist, but not in a Marxist or Stalinst way. I like to describe myself as a laughing smiling Communist.
MOFK - And what the hell does that mean?
GS - It means that I smile and laugh, and I am a Communist.
MOFK - Whatever. Who's your favorite politician?
GS - I am a huge fan of the Chirac, but my life partner would say that I have a huge crush on the Hillary Clinton. I think I look alot like her.
MOFK - What a shock. What do you think of President Bush?
GS - My would be assassin? I think he showed his true colors, he is not smart enough to kill a strong woman.
MOFK - I must warn you, that's Eason Jordan's territory.
GS - Eason is a good friend, but I knew the risks in coming here.
MOFK - Are you brain dead? Any words for the US military in Iraq?
GS - Yes, you are all puppets being pulled by an evil stupid -- how you say? Doodiehead. Yes, doodiehead. I can't believe the left in your country continues to put up with and support such blood-thirsty baby killers.
MOFK - They don't. Those statements are political and contrived.
GS - What a great idea! I shall use it myself to subvert my own government!
MOFK - Don't mention it. How did your captors treat you?
GS - They were generous hosts. They even let me lead their "Death to America" chants a few times.
MOFK - Did the abuse you? Threaten you? Anything?
GS - Oh no, they were much more worried about their goats than me, they made sure to stand guard over them every night. I tried to lure one of them to my bed one night and he ran screaming out to the yard where his favorite goat was kept. I guess I came on too strong.
MOFK - Sure you did. I understand you've got a book deal now.
GS - Oh yes, my co-author is a brilliant artist, professor, writer, and activist. He's also the last of the Mohicans.
MOFK - Are you talking about Ward Churchhill?
GS - Yes! You know him?
MOFK - No, I just know he's a fraud.
GS - How dare you persecute such a fine and upstanding man!
MOFK - I give up. So what was the ransom paid by your government to have your sorry ass back?
GS - We offered them full asylum and legal protection, we also offered them citizenship and welfare for the rest of their lives.
MOFK - I thought the number was ten to fifteen million US.
GS - Well after all the beaurocracy involved, it will cost somewhere in that neighborhood. That's what rich people are for.
MOFK - I've had enough, I need to end this before I strangle you myself you insufferable cunt.
GS - Well, I never --
MOFK - And you never will, goodbye.
Another quality fake interview from Musings of a Fat Kid.