February 04, 2005

Amish <3's Wonkette

--Or at least I used to. I'm pretty sure she loved me too...at least in the beginning. Heck, we were married for a little while if you can believe it. That's right kiddies- little Ana Marie Cox was once Ana Marie Amish. I met her at a big Washington shindig. She was interning for Robert Packwood at the time and as for me...well... i just like shindigs. It was love at first site. We began a whirlwind romance that i thought could only happen to someone in the movies. But there was soon to be trouble in paradise.

Being a good Christian, i had wanted to save myself for marriage but, Darling Ana would hear none of that. She told me she had been a virgin for so long, she just couldn't wait. She had to have me. Unfortunately i gave in to her advances. This was my first mistake. I have no way of proving it, but i believe she may have mislead me about being a virgin.

I was very gentle with Ana- I didn't want to hurt her this being her first time. I needn't have worried-- it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Now I'm not saying she wasn't a virgin- but I'm pretty sure i could have fisted her like a Jim Henson creation. When I went down on her, i think i could almost hear an echo. And (i don't know how to put this delicately) there was a slight odor problem-if you know what i mean. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the reason I could stick my tongue out so far was because i was gagging. I'm not kidding-it was so bad I couldn't take her for a walk on the beach without getting chased by seagulls. When i woke up the next morning Ana was gone; and so was the fifty bucks i had left in my wallet. She came back to me the very next night and again my wallet was empty when i woke. But what did i care? I was in love! Ana taught me a lot over those many passionate evenings. She did things to me Ive only seen in pornos. and not any of that regular porn either -I'm talking about the kind of porn thats so freaky you cant even ship through the mail in 31 states.

Now I'm not exactly a poor man, but even i cant afford fifty bucks a pop forever. So i figured i might as well just propose to her. I mean why buy the Dirty Sanchez when you can get the Cleveland Steamer for free? Of course she accepted and we were quite happy for awhile; that is until she told me she had met someone else. Someone who could please her in ways i never could. How could i compete with someone like that? Nobody eats a Fillet-O-Fish like this home wrecker. So she left me and took everything i had along with my broken heart. The bitch even took my pet cat!

Well at least i still have this itchy rash to remember her by...sigh..