February 09, 2005

23 clues an underwriter should call it a night

This, thanks to Fink over at Feast of Famine aka. Rooster Chum:

(First of all, you've got to recognize that we work in real-estate, so 99.9% of you guys aren't gonna get the jokes, but rest assured, they're funny. -ed
)

1. I have absolutely no idea where my Submarket is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO will convince LC Members to approve my deal.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass as the "mitigant" for my deal's soft apartment Market.
4. I realize I've just read the same sentence in the Appraisal 5 times in a row. And still don't understand the guy's rationale for a 4.50% cap rate.
5. While putting together loan committee packages, I drip blood from a papercut onto the top of the Chief Underwriter's package, but am too tired to even THINK of replacing the bloodied page and hope they will believe it is "dried ketchup" when they see their package in the morning.
6. My Borrower shows up in the OFAC listing.
7. There are less than three hours before Loan Committee and I'm still making "Top Ten" lists for my blog as a way to "warm up" my mind to write my Narrative.
8. I've begun to refer to the DUS Guide as "SATAN'S RULEBOOK FOR MISERABLE MORTGAGE UNDERWRITING".
9. Phrases like "Sources & Uses", "Strengths & Weaknesses", and "Executive Summary" start to sound like sexual innuendo.
10. I'm overcome by the urge to delete entire sections of the Narrative just because I believe I can verbally "wing it" in Committee the next day.
11. I start crying and telling everyone to NEVER DO A DEAL IN ALBUQUERQUE!
12. My KP's haven't passed so much as MORNET check and I don't care.
13. I yell at the bartender, accusing him of giving me lemonade instead of gin, instead of going back to the office to finish my Narrative.
14. I realize the bartender is actually the maintenance guy coming to take the trash in my office.
15. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like a keyboard.
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. Then realize I'm still sitting at my desk and not the bathroom, and I wish the cleaning guy hadn't already come by.
17. Waste time formulating a plot to get out of underwriting this transaction by changing my name to "REDACTED" and claiming I was never assigned to this stinkin' deal anyway!
18. I start giving personal names to my desk accessories, declare myself dictator of their puny lives, then line them up in alphabetical order and one by one flick each one off my desk to their "carpeted doom" below.
19. I've run out of fingers to count the number of inconsistencies between my narrative and the loan calc spreadsheets.
20. I play "One Potato, Two Potato" with my fingers to determine which one I'm going to slice off in the paper cutter because I believe it's their fault that the inconsistencies exist anyway.
21. I start leaving Post-It note greeting cards for my co-workers in hopes of brightening their mornings the next day.
22. The gnats flying around my face are yelling at me to leave so that they can "finally get some Goddamn shut eye!"
23. Your Borrower wants Forward financing on a Seniors or Affordable property in Palm Desert, Placentia, or Arkansas.