February 28, 2005

I wonder if this is what they had in mind?

I was cruisin the dictionary, and found this.

In semi-related news, Oliver Willis, like a turtlehead, pops up in conversation over at Jeff Jarvis'. Again.

UPDATE: Comments are heating up:

I took some time to more carefully reread your blog posts, which, truthfully, I had not done before, more of a skim job.

I have some issues:

In January, you really softpedalled the Armstrong Williams story, particularly burying the lead - the use of government dollars. Jay Rosen called you on it, and you sort of grudgingly accepted the point but let it drop. One post. Nothing more.

Why? Was it not important in your mind. How about the other journalists who were revealed as getting government dollars? Did you knowingly bury the story? I doubt it, but something led you to softpedal the story.

Then the Zephyr thing. Your kid gloves for Zephyr made no sense to me. Jerome was clearly falsely slimed by her. She flat out lied. She altered her story to try and explain but that's hardly an explanation for spreading a false smear in the first place. I won't speak on kos.

And then you act as if she is qualified to discuss ethics when by her own words she indicts herself as having attempted an unethical act. Trippi denied it as did other people. How can you act as if she could possibly discuss ethics in any context after that? That was disgraceful to your conference and a very poor show by you. Why Jeff did you not speak to THAT?

As for you silly criticisms of people defending themselves against outrageous false charges, I really don't know how you can defend your attitude there. Your outrage comes out pretty quickly for other folks as well as yourself. Have you considered how you would react if such charges were levelled at you? Why you took that tact, I can't say, but it certainly is nothing to be proud of (to be sure I am quite the hothead myself and find myself apologizing all the time for overreacting, but I think I can be honest and see that in myself and acknowledge a failing.)

Finally, your comments on some folks' reactions, including mine, to the Iraq election is pretty ad hominem wouldn't you say? Eeyore? I mean, I certainly could be wrong but I didn't reach my opinion on a whim or on a hope for failure. My gawd, would that I am completely wrong. That is my hope. But my opinion is an honest one and not completely unfounded.

In light of that, something I did not know when I labelled you Right Wing BTW, I am quite surprised that you take such umbrage at my opinion that you are Right of Center, intended descriptively mind you, not pejoratively. I thought you were Right Wing.

Now I think I would more properly call you Right of Center and very much more fixated on the sins of the Left than on the sins of the Right.

One incident in particular makes me think this - you describe the exchange between Yglesias and Powerline on Powerline's hate speech (and it is that Jeff) intelligent and civil. Well, it may be civil, but it is also brutal. Yglesias basically labels Powerline liars. Correctly in my opinion. So have I labelled them liars and purveyors of hate speech.

You criticize their "obsession" with Carter. The problem is not the obsession Jeff, as you MUST know. The problem is calling him a traitor. Is that not as offensive as calling Bush a fascist? Oh BTW, have you ever seen Bush referred to as a fascist in a front page post at Dailykos? You know the answer Jeff. No, you have not. Because that would be a ridiculous statement.

And yet your condemnation of dailykos knows no bounds. But Powerline is still a nice group of GOP bloggers, intelligent and civil. That, in my mind, is troubling. It seems to me that it is difficult to expect to be viewed as Left of Center based on that record. OR Centrist really. No, the evidence is indicative of a Media Gadfly mostly concerned with criticism of the Left.

Now you are a Democrat, and I'm happy to hear that. But I really don't think you have much of a complaint regarding being labelled a Right of Center Media Gadfly. I think it an accurate description. BTW, there is nothing wrong with that.
Posted by Armando at March 1, 2005 02:55 AM

Gee, Armando, I didn't know you were the official arbiter of what's liberal. If I'd passed your test, would I have gotten a Liberal License? A Liberal T-Shirt, perhaps? A Liberal Membership Card?

On Williams: Gosh, I did say a lot about him but I didn't say it on the blog. I said it, for example, on WNYC. NPR. I think that is Officially Liberal. Right, Liberal Cop?

On Zephyr: Well, I think you may have some conflict of interest on that one, being a Kosite.

On the Iraqi election: There were plenty of Eeyores. You know, I was wrong about calling Juan Cole Pondscum. Professor Eeyore would have been a far better name.

As for Yglesias: I was referring to Matthew's criticism being civilized (as opposed to your and Oliver's one-word swipes). Surely Matthew passes your Official Liberal Test.

As for Kos: When your pal said what he said about the men killed in Iraq, he made us -- yes liberals -- look bad. We do criticize our own. We should.

Note, well, Armando that you did not make this judgment based on a SINGLE issue or stand. You made your Official Liberalometer Meter Reading based on whether I criticized your enemies or praised your friends.

I repeat: You and Oliver and Kos and company look upon the Democratic Party as your little club.

What did Groucho say again?
Posted by Jeff Jarvis at March 1, 2005 06:19 AM


February 25, 2005

Just passed an anti-money laundering test

No bias here...


February 24, 2005

Cherry picking John McCain

By now everyone not living under a rock has heard John McCain say Hillary would make a "Good President". As much as I distrust Mr. McCain, I think he was misquoted.
Here's a top 8 of what was REALLY said...

8. Hillary would make a good president...if everyone else was dead.

7. Hillary would make a good president...now who wants to buy me lunch?

6. Hillary would make a good president...but first we need to get her to say her name backwards. (see Mxyzptlk)

5. Hillary would make a good president...if she went Vince Foster on Mayor McCheese and got all the felons in McDonaldland to vote.

4. Hillary would make a good president...of the national trial lawyers association.

3. Hillary would make a good president...wait a minute, I'm not in a bamboo cage!

2. Hillary would make a good president...of France.

1. That wasn't John McCain, it was John McClane!

February 23, 2005

I hate online gamers

With the exception of exactly two three people who play online, everyone might as well be this fucktard:
on USWest
September 16, 2004

i guess its an alright build if ur a newb but i got the godliest pally of them all. I would tell u how i made it but then he wouldnt be that godly now would he? just to let u guys know my zeal does 20k damage with a certain aura i dont plan on telling. :D sorry guys but i would seriously kill anyone even UBER DIABLO with 1-10 hits with zeal. :) that everyone is the strength only a GOD could hold
Diablo2 used to be fun. Now it is filled with santimonious retards like this asshole. This guy put my exact thoughts on paper a bit more eloquently than I can.

February 22, 2005

I'll point it out, b/c well, no one else has

In this interview with Newsweeks' Baghdad correspondant, Rod Nordland there have been a lot of people cherry-picking quotes, so here's my submission:
Toronto, Canada: Why do you refer to Zarqawi as "the most ruthless and notorious killer in Iraq" when Bush (et al) has murdered between 20 and 100 thousand for much less reason than Zarqawi? Eh? That epithet could be better applied to "Chemical" Cheney, "Anthrax" Rumsfeld, or any of the other gangsters in the U.S. government.
Rod Nordland: Well we're hearing from all the loonies in Toronto, it seems. Civilian casualties in Iraq are no where near 20 to 100,000, despite some dubious claims to that effect. Zarqawi would cut off a Canadian's head, too, if he could get one, videotape it and post it on the internet for all the victim's friends and family to see, and if you don't think that's ruthless and notorious, there's something seriously wrong with you.

Blog burn out


If you're using Bloggers "next blog" feature, read below

If you don't like spyware, read below:
I thought your readers might want to be aware of my recent problems with
using the "Next Blog" button on blogspot hosted blogs. Hitting the button takes users to a randomly selected blog on blogspot. Unfortunately, some of the blogs download viruses and adware as soon as you visit the site.

I wrote of my experience first here
() then gave an update here.

Another blogger described his experience here.

Blogger wrote to me that they're working on filters for the "Next Blog"
feature, but didn't really address the virus/spyware issue, unless of
course viruses and spyware is content that I don't want to see. Here's
what they said:
Thanks for your email. In this version 1.0 release of the
Blogger Navbar,the NextBlog button brings users to a random blog that 1) has a navbar, 2) was recently updated and 3) is listed as a public blog. Right now, it's impossible to know what sort of blog you're going to land on. However, we are working on how best to help our users avoid content they don't want to see along with other ideas and upgrades to the Navbar. Your feedback is appreciated in this process.

February 18, 2005

If they can't win elections...they try to change the rules

Hillary says: Let felons vote!

In addition to creating a federal holiday for voting, the bill would:

  • Require paper receipts for votes.

  • Authorize $500 million to help states make the changes in voting systems and equipment.

  • Allow ex-felons to vote. Currently an estimated 4.7 million Americans are barred from voting because of their criminal records.

  • Require adoption of the changes in time for the 2006 election.
  • February 16, 2005

    Iraqi's with spine


    Just call me Scandalmonger....or Drudge Jr.

    Since Mike is originally from Boston, I'm sure he'll like this story....

    Snow plowing money was used for Patriots rally

    Now I know funds are used in different places all the time, but this is where I've got a problem.
    But critics said Romney showed poor judgment in spending money for a football rally when some of the state's roads and sidewalks were still clogged from a storm that dumped more than two feet of snow in some areas. The storm occurred about a week before the rally.

    Five days after the rally, four high school students were struck and injured on VFW Parkway near the entrance to West Roxbury High School in Boston. The sidewalks had not been cleared, forcing the students to walk in the busy street.

    February 15, 2005

    The left is literally a bunch of raving lunatics

    Mypetjawa gets spam-bombed. 310 comments and counting - and you wouldn't BELIEVE some of the vitriol in the comments. However, head over to the post that started it all, and it gets worse. Much worse.

    Honestly, I come from a respectful family, I've never seen my parents (or any direct relatives) commit a single act of violence against anything for any reason. However, I swear to God, if someone talked like any of those commenters in front of my mother, my father would without hesitation stab them. in their effing. EYE.

    Civil discourse has officially left the building on that blog - and it raises the question: "Who the FUCK raised these people?!?" Seriously, you think any one of their parents would admit to giving birth to such a flaming piece of shit? I too'd drown my kid in a tub if I knew they were going to end up like that...

    Of note, these are the same people who got Howard Dean elected to Chair the DNC.

    Goddamn phone envy

    I have a confession. I'm a phone-whore. When sprint/sanyo rolled out the first video phone, guess who ran out and spent $450 at best buy? To my credit however, my phones last a long time... typical lifespan for one of my phones is 2.5 years. Since I was 18, I've gone through maybe 3 phones. That was 8 years ago. Notably, all that time I've been with Sprint. Let's just say, they love me.

    So, naturally, I was dismayed when my boss walked in with his brand. spanking. new pimpass lookin blackberry.

    Shiiiiiit. Apparently tmobile is having a sale on these things (CNet review) - less than $200 when you sign a contract.

    Guess where I'm going after work?

    I don't know what's more messed up

    Kyle: i think you poo in it as well..don't quote me on that lol

    Or this.

    Also worth noting is the graphic illustration of how to use above-mentioned device. On a final note, somebody wrote a friggin haiku about the sensation (!!)

    The 50,000 ft view from Jeff Jarvis

    On Eason-gate and the mud-slinging surrounding Jeff Gannon.

    This is the best synopsis I've seen yet.

    Shall we go for our third scalp?

    Dean Linked to Hospital Scandal Probe

    This could be the biggest one yet....
    The Justice Department has launched a wide-ranging federal probe into suspected antitrust violations by Vermont's health-care system during the time it was being overseen by former governor and one-time presidential candidate Howard Dean.

    "The sordid vortex of these investigations can be directly traced back to the Dean administration’s inability to hold these institutions accountable," Vermont's Guardian newspaper complained on Friday, the day before Dean was crowned chairman of the Democratic Party.
    I'm sure this will be spun as Bush "out to get" Dean....
    The investigation, which - curiously - has attracted no national media attention, was formally launched in December, after the private accounting firm KPMG warned that the Dean adminstration and its successor had failed to put in place adequate safeguards to oversee the nearly $1 billion in federal funds spent in Vermont.
    Curiously? Nothing about that is "curious" to me... The MmM is always quick to protect their own. A billion dollars? Like $1,000,000,000? To quote Ace, I find this...gobsmackingly vile.
    However, as far back as 2002, while Dean was still governor, his name surfaced in connection with complaints of runaway costs.
    I'm hoping the patron saint of jounalism AKA Jeff Gannon will rise from the ashes and ask Dean the question I'd like to hear. "What did you know, and when did you know it?" A billion dollars is alot of gravy to be spreading around, I'm betting there's a paper trail leading somewhere.

    February 14, 2005

    Photoshop contest!!

    Found via: WSJ Opinion Journal

    Dean for America!

    Sobek, Guest-blogger Dave and Mad-MSPaint-Skillz Amish: I'm countin on you!

    UPDATE: Sobek chimes in with a very strong entry...probably my favorite so far...

    Who could ever deny this intellectual assertion?

    I'm a republican. Fuck you.

    Seriously though, the left needs more astute thinkers like this Sue in NH. Brilliant. Somebody should submit this for a Pulitzer.

    NEWSFLASH: I'm a bastard

    I spent more time carping about how shitty Valentines Day is then figuring out who I should actually be buying shit for...#1 on "My List of People I Forgot" (the only one on that list notably) is my Mom. Oops.

    I'm gonna get an earful about this one.

    UPDATE: Dave @ Garfield Ridge has some Valentines Day wishes!

    If Paul Anka were a cat...

    Thrak, don't make a fuckin maniac out of Mr. Substance.

    Man of Substance - thanks for the inspiration on the new title (and the caption)!

    Change in format... [Dave]

    Here at "fat kid's 'r us", we pride ourselves in the finest investigative reporting around. We now present to you the awesomest advice column ever written, ask Jeff Gannon!

    Dear Jeff Gannon,
    I feel so guilty about what I've done to you. The shame is eating me alive, what can I do to make things right?
    I've got just the thing to make you feel better comrade. You need to feel the slight breeze my dogtags make on your face as I'm pounding your socialist ass. That'll make things A-Otay.
    --Jeff "No, screw you" Gannon

    Dear Jeff Gannon,
    As a gay man, can you tell me if you like anal sex as much as I do?
    Ana Marie
    Hold on just a minute there 9-iron, just because I wouldn't tag your flea ridden ass in Karl Rove's broomcloset doesn't mean I'm gay. In fact, Andy, I'd say it makes me less gay. I'm not sure if you own any unbroken mirrors, but here's a hint, while you may have gotten your rack done, the hormones have done nothing for that Adam's apple of yours. I swear, it always looks like you've got a boar's teste half swallowed.
    --Jeff "Woah. Now I know your secret." Gannon

    That's all for now, Jeff will be back on a weekly basis until he gets a new gig.

    **note - not really the Jeff Gannon

    February 13, 2005

    Random tidbit

    Guess who I just met/hung out with at this club we checked out tonight:

    Fucking Hobie.

    So goddamn random.

    February 11, 2005

    Eason Jordan: GONE!

    Blogosphere: 2
    MmM: 0
    (I don't have to register for that other link, but this is for the asscheese in the crowd. Heh.)

    As a wise man

    ...once said..."I can't see shit [at CNN, about this story]"

    More bumper stickers....[Dave]

    This thing is like crack....

    And finally the coup de grace.

    Jeff Gannon?

    Folks, if you're asking yourself "Who the fuck is Jeff Gannon?!?" You're spot on.

    I'm not really following this story, go over to Ace's for details.

    I *am* however doing shitty photoshops...

    UPDATE: Guest-blogger Dave with another

    (Dave's like a friggin rabid pitbull with these bumper stickers, huh? -ed)

    UPDATE 2: Insta-Franka-Corner-Malk-alanche Amish chimes in with one of his own, with a comment, "Fuck Allah, I'm Amish bitch!": (that's a joke folks. We all <3 allah -ed)

    UPDATE 3: "Gang blog"? Sounds funky, thanks Ace. :/
    In any case, more here folks.

    February 10, 2005

    Bumper Sticker Love

    I decided to do my own bumper stickers after seeing C-section pop a few out...

    Five more things Kim *SHOULD* find unsettling





    And finally, the thing that should keep Kim up at night. This woman.

    Bumpersticker maker

    Michele was going nuts over at ASV earlier with this bumper-sticker maker thing. So, I turned my man Sassariansection loose on the site, and here are some sample results:


    UPDATE: Another from guest-blogger Dave...

    G-mail anyone?

    Turns out I've got 50 invites to give away. If you want a g-mail account, leave a comment with an e-mail I should send the invite too. Try to hide your email with something like:

    youremail-at-suchandsuch-dot-com or some shit.

    5 more things Kim Jong-il considers "un-settling"

    In light of recent developments whereby one day it's announced that 'Team America' 'un-settles' the Communist Dictator, then, the very next day they let the cat out of the bag.

    Here is a list of 5 other things Kim Jong-Il considers "un-settling":
    5) Furries.
    4) Dolphin sex. NSFW
    3) Big, prettily painted & gift-wrapped packages from the USA with his name on them.
    2) America's unwashed masses consider his name 'gender ambiguous'.

    And the #1 thing Kim Jong-Il finds un-settling:
    1) Red & white biker shorts.

    February 09, 2005

    The new meme is here! [Dave]

    And the winner is... MmM = "Mealy-mouthed Media"
    Read it. Like it. Link it.

    Elections are supposed to be an alternative to other ways of settling political differences, including riots, military coups and dictatorships. But riots have been re-christened "demonstrations" by the mealy-mouth media

    UPDATE: Folks, Mike here, I fixed Dave's loose-ass link. It no longer points to MSFT's homepage - sorry about that 'Man of Substance'

    This weeks: "No shit, Sherlock" award goes to:

    Art Linkletter. Not that I'm bashing this guy... he's stating the obvious - which, clearly means he's a neo-conservativefacistbushitlerbabyheadeater. Good on ya Art.

    23 clues an underwriter should call it a night

    This, thanks to Fink over at Feast of Famine aka. Rooster Chum:

    (First of all, you've got to recognize that we work in real-estate, so 99.9% of you guys aren't gonna get the jokes, but rest assured, they're funny. -ed

    1. I have absolutely no idea where my Submarket is.
    2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO will convince LC Members to approve my deal.
    3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass as the "mitigant" for my deal's soft apartment Market.
    4. I realize I've just read the same sentence in the Appraisal 5 times in a row. And still don't understand the guy's rationale for a 4.50% cap rate.
    5. While putting together loan committee packages, I drip blood from a papercut onto the top of the Chief Underwriter's package, but am too tired to even THINK of replacing the bloodied page and hope they will believe it is "dried ketchup" when they see their package in the morning.
    6. My Borrower shows up in the OFAC listing.
    7. There are less than three hours before Loan Committee and I'm still making "Top Ten" lists for my blog as a way to "warm up" my mind to write my Narrative.
    8. I've begun to refer to the DUS Guide as "SATAN'S RULEBOOK FOR MISERABLE MORTGAGE UNDERWRITING".
    9. Phrases like "Sources & Uses", "Strengths & Weaknesses", and "Executive Summary" start to sound like sexual innuendo.
    10. I'm overcome by the urge to delete entire sections of the Narrative just because I believe I can verbally "wing it" in Committee the next day.
    11. I start crying and telling everyone to NEVER DO A DEAL IN ALBUQUERQUE!
    12. My KP's haven't passed so much as MORNET check and I don't care.
    13. I yell at the bartender, accusing him of giving me lemonade instead of gin, instead of going back to the office to finish my Narrative.
    14. I realize the bartender is actually the maintenance guy coming to take the trash in my office.
    15. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like a keyboard.
    16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. Then realize I'm still sitting at my desk and not the bathroom, and I wish the cleaning guy hadn't already come by.
    17. Waste time formulating a plot to get out of underwriting this transaction by changing my name to "REDACTED" and claiming I was never assigned to this stinkin' deal anyway!
    18. I start giving personal names to my desk accessories, declare myself dictator of their puny lives, then line them up in alphabetical order and one by one flick each one off my desk to their "carpeted doom" below.
    19. I've run out of fingers to count the number of inconsistencies between my narrative and the loan calc spreadsheets.
    20. I play "One Potato, Two Potato" with my fingers to determine which one I'm going to slice off in the paper cutter because I believe it's their fault that the inconsistencies exist anyway.
    21. I start leaving Post-It note greeting cards for my co-workers in hopes of brightening their mornings the next day.
    22. The gnats flying around my face are yelling at me to leave so that they can "finally get some Goddamn shut eye!"
    23. Your Borrower wants Forward financing on a Seniors or Affordable property in Palm Desert, Placentia, or Arkansas.

    Probably the best terrorism article I've ever read [Dave]

    World War IV: How It Started, What It Means, and Why We Have to Win

    I'd love to sum this up, but it's pretty long and filled from top to bottom with absolutly dynamite quotes and analysis. It seems to be a fairly non-partisan view of things in clear english, and it completely lays out the "Bush Doctrine". If you get a chance, I'd highly recommend reading some of it.

    On a lighter note, Amish finally got around to sending out his Christmas cards. Here it is, in all it's resplendant glory.

    February 08, 2005

    Just one more reason

    To support Fox.

    For comparison purposes, this was ours.

    In a galaxy far far away....

    "I'm not sure why they sent us out here, Fartoo." Luke Skywacker reclined in his space craft as he started to enter the barren atmosphere of Wahhabi. As Luke landed he noticed natives rushing at his craft. "I mean you no harm," Luke said. "I am Al-Jihadi, and you are a dirty kafir," the head native said. "Die infidel!" The natives rushed Luke, using his force enhanced abilities, Luke did a backflip off the wing of his spacecraft. Unwilling to kill without understanding why they were upset, Luke retreated to the dunes, while the natives overran Fartoo and the ship.

    As Luke made camp for the night, he turned on his communicator and called his old friend, Hand Solo. "Hand, it's Luke. I'm in a spot of trouble out here in the Wahhabi system. I could use your help, bring Chewblakka with you." The crackling reply came, "I'll bet your in trouble, I'm sending you the latest galactic news loop.

    "As you can see here, the droid appears to have his welding arm extended. Here he is shocking the genitals of the friendly natives. I can't believe the outragous conduct of our government sponsored baby killers."

    Two days later as the Centurian Falcon was landing, Luke met the ship. "Hand! ChewBlakka! Great to see you guys." Hand came down the ramp, "Luke, we are in a world of hurt. The diplomats back home are screaming bloody murder about these natives. They are saying that you aren't nuanced enough to understand them and deal with them." Luke met Hand's stare, "The only thing these people understand is death, I've done some scouting and the living conditions are horrible. They make their women wear huge swaths of black clothing and walk in the desert. They kill anyone who differs with their beliefs, even their own people." A warble behind them spun Luke around as he reached for his lightsaber. "Fartoo! How did you get away?" Several beeps later and Luke had his answer. "Hand, this is bad. Fartoo says they are working on creating their own death star and want to use it to force entire planets to submit to their will, or be destroyed."

    As the heavy cruisers pounded the system into rubble, Luke broke orbit and headed toward home. "Score another one for the good guys", he thought.

    February 07, 2005

    She's got her lunchbox, I've got my blog

    Cool article found on BookofJoe - an ex-pr0n site that was converted to a blog. The guy's the only blogging-anesthesiologist on the 'net. That I know of at least.

    Being a huge fan of punk music, and subject to the unfortunate side-show that the producers/promoters are, I know what this woman is feeling all too well. All it takes is one Flogging Molly (not really punk, but this gets my point across) where, for an entire 30 minutes before the show, you're forced to view a Fahrenheit 9/11 run down/cock-sucking fest by a bunch of asshat liberals on a 30 foot movie screen. All that, in lieu of a soundcheck. Bastards.

    I've got my roots...but I've also got my intelligence.

    Don't insult either with your politics.

    The *second* best Super Bowl ad

    Put forth by GoDaddy. There's a whole lot of discussion going on about this ad over at Dan Drezner, which is as usual, a fantastic post. The one thing I got a kick out of in this ad was that the purported location was "Salem, MA" - of the infamous "Witch Trials" of 1692. Awesome.

    All that being said, my favorite ad was hands down the Budweiser ad with the returning soldiers. Wasn't even close in my mind.

    Image courtesy of Superbowl.com

    Postblogum depression

    The numbers don't lie. Last week was fun, the most fun I've had on this thing yet. Check the graph...

    On another note, I was just reminded of a pretty funny story. Some friends and I are planning a return to Vegas in a few months - a couple days of drunken-stripper-laden debauchery... and I remember this one trip to a strip club.

    My buddy and I (Dave) are hangin out in some dive strip club, late night, off the strip, in the middle of nowhere, with another buddy of ours. After about 30 minutes we realize our friend is gone. Thinking he's off getting a dance or something, Dave heads to the pisser. Next thing I know, Dave comes running back to our table laughing his ASS off, and telling me to "Come check this out".

    Turns out, our other friend passed out, face down. In the urinal.

    Pic's of the offending party to be posted later.

    Rantings, and the worst day of my life [Dave]

    Now that Amish has departed, I think it's safe to guess who that masked man really was.
    Who is Amish? A top 5 list!

    5. Amish has clearly lost his mind, and he's always got the best pictures. The Malkin picture alone was pure genius, it also looks like it was a video still from a CNN broadcast. Didn't Ted Turner recently lose his mind too?

    4. Amish was here for a week and generated massive traffic, then he left to write a book and travel through Europe. I'm betting he got Mike to front him about 120k against the promise of "mad" blog money. Thanks "Amish" Sullivan. (I'll be damned if I leave a link for Andy "The Hustler" Sullivan.)

    3. The timing of Amish's disappearence is suspect. Looking back on all of the scathing sarcasm, I'm starting to lean towards the theory that he's a state's witness in the Jackson trial.

    2. When making fun of Glenn Reynolds, he added an extra six, "for more evil". Also he only had four links in that post. Who else would make fun of Glenn, have subpar MSpaint skills, and be brash enough to link himself? I'll bet my sack of rocks Frank J was behind all this.

    1. The man we are dealing with is obviously a super-genius. He's also nipping at conservative heels in a joking manner. Who has turned the tables? Who has been at the center of conservative evil genius jokes for four plus years now? Karl Rove. Don't believe me? Here's a picture of Karl using the dark side of the force to choke a reporter.

    Friday I got two pieces of earth shattering news. First, my wife has some "abnormal" cells that need to be removed, lest they turn cancerous. I'm not exactly sure of all the details, but I know it involves one of these and one of these. The second piece is that Friday my Mom went in for a physical and a routine chest x-ray turned into a cat scan, which turned into a "worrisome" tumor in her left lung. This is similar to the way her Mom (my Grandmother) passed. I sent her the following email this morning, hopefully it will strengthen her resolve.
    You taught me alot of life's lessons over the years, some of the easy, some of them tough. Now's the time for me to return the favor.

    I don't know if you thought the same thing I did when you found out, but let me tell you this. You are not your Mom. You will fight, and you will beat this, no matter what. I'd expect no less from myself, and I expect no less from you.

    Pardon the language, but Paul Anka said it best.
    "That's just the fucking way it is."

    Finally, there was a minor fracas about some guy calling a thirteen year old boy a "bastard." I can only answer with this truism that I discovered while playing Xbox Live.
    Not every bastard on the internet is a thirteen year old boy, but every thirteen year old boy on the internet is a bastard.
    Apparently, this guy decided to apologize to "Austin and his mommy", screw that, with a name like "Austin" I'm pretty sure he's a bastard. I also notice that no apology was given to "Austin's daddy", perhaps someone can point me to his family tree to prove he really isn't a bastard. I'm not saying he's not a good kid, I just know what happens on the internet.

    February 05, 2005

    Take this blog and shove it [Amish]

    THE FAT KID AS YOU'VE KNOWN IT: After much hemming and hawing Ive decided to put my guestblogging on hiatus for awhile. Mike will still be here posting every day and I'll post when i feel like it. And not a Goddamn minute sooner. Its time for me to go. Why? None of your damn business.

    The simple answer is that you guys are holding me back. All day long its "You're so funny", "Please link to me, I'm so lonely" "Would you please have sex with me?" I have so many things I want to do, and you guys are just an anchor around my neck.

    I want to take a breather, to write a long-overdue book, to read some more, travel to Europe and the Middle East with my friend Bono, and work on some longer projects.

    No, it's not a response to criticism. I'm a big boy and have provoked critics from the minute this blog started. All those people can go strait to Hell. Maybe I'll spend some of my free time hunting these useless bastards down. I mean who the hell do they think they are? Never mind. Where was I? Oh yeah, my thank yous.

    THANKS: I do want to express my deepest gratitude to the man who made all this possible: Mike- aka The Fat Kid, a dear friend, who handled all the technical, financial and organizational stuff so I could focus on writing. My personal doctor Steve. And a special thanks to our Lord and Savior--Pan the pagan goat god. with whom all things truly are possible.

    For all my fans out there don't worry: You can still catch my articles in Cat Fancy every month.

    Oh yeah, a special extra big thanks to the Unpopulist.


    Im out of here...

    [No Amish...thank you! The door's always open. -ed]

    February 04, 2005

    Amish <3's Wonkette

    --Or at least I used to. I'm pretty sure she loved me too...at least in the beginning. Heck, we were married for a little while if you can believe it. That's right kiddies- little Ana Marie Cox was once Ana Marie Amish. I met her at a big Washington shindig. She was interning for Robert Packwood at the time and as for me...well... i just like shindigs. It was love at first site. We began a whirlwind romance that i thought could only happen to someone in the movies. But there was soon to be trouble in paradise.

    Being a good Christian, i had wanted to save myself for marriage but, Darling Ana would hear none of that. She told me she had been a virgin for so long, she just couldn't wait. She had to have me. Unfortunately i gave in to her advances. This was my first mistake. I have no way of proving it, but i believe she may have mislead me about being a virgin.

    I was very gentle with Ana- I didn't want to hurt her this being her first time. I needn't have worried-- it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Now I'm not saying she wasn't a virgin- but I'm pretty sure i could have fisted her like a Jim Henson creation. When I went down on her, i think i could almost hear an echo. And (i don't know how to put this delicately) there was a slight odor problem-if you know what i mean. I didn't have the heart to tell her that the reason I could stick my tongue out so far was because i was gagging. I'm not kidding-it was so bad I couldn't take her for a walk on the beach without getting chased by seagulls. When i woke up the next morning Ana was gone; and so was the fifty bucks i had left in my wallet. She came back to me the very next night and again my wallet was empty when i woke. But what did i care? I was in love! Ana taught me a lot over those many passionate evenings. She did things to me Ive only seen in pornos. and not any of that regular porn either -I'm talking about the kind of porn thats so freaky you cant even ship through the mail in 31 states.

    Now I'm not exactly a poor man, but even i cant afford fifty bucks a pop forever. So i figured i might as well just propose to her. I mean why buy the Dirty Sanchez when you can get the Cleveland Steamer for free? Of course she accepted and we were quite happy for awhile; that is until she told me she had met someone else. Someone who could please her in ways i never could. How could i compete with someone like that? Nobody eats a Fillet-O-Fish like this home wrecker. So she left me and took everything i had along with my broken heart. The bitch even took my pet cat!

    Well at least i still have this itchy rash to remember her by...sigh..

    Sobek, Amish says hi

    That leathery bastard Sobek has one hell of a tuber fetish. The man is constantly photoshoping the little irish turdmuffins. Go check em out. Now.

    [looks like Ace has got something against tubers too, I mean "The Predatory Pedophiles of the Plant Kingdom"?!? I sense some hostility. -ed]

    Coup de grace [Little Green Amish]


    [If this site goes down to a DDoS, we know someone took this post the wrong way. Eek. Lizardoids be nice. -ed]

    Genius loves Amish

    Well i finally had a chance to see 'Ray' this weekend and i have to say, even though I thought it was a great film, it made me a little sad. I can remember my grandfather listening to his old Ray Charles records when i was a little boy; those are some of the happiest memories of my childhood. Even though Ray was on this Earth for 73 years, i can't help but feel that we lost him too soon. And do you want to know what the worst part of his death was? He never saw it coming...

    (ed. Oooooh. I clean my hands of this one... lol)

    Mr. T is the Head of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy! [Amish]

    (click for larger image)

    Here Are The Facts:

    1)John Kerry's squad in Vietnam was actually comprised of the men who would later become the A Team. During the war Mr. T. and John Kerry conducted several covert missions into Cambodia smuggling weapons to the Khmer Rouge. Mr. T. later changed all of the after action reports to make Kerry look like a liar.

    2)He ran Ted Kennedy off the road in Chappaquiddick in his super cool van.

    3)Mr. T was Monica Lewinsky's pimp.

    4)Mr. T forced H.M. "Howling Mad" Murdock to write Howard Deans Iowa concession speech.

    5)He ate Janet Reno's balls. Yes, thats where they went.

    For posterity's sake...

    The trademarked "Insta-Franka-Corner-Malka-lanche".

    Good for everybody.

    Michelle Malkin is an illegal alien [Amish]

    She may say she's for tighter border control, but methinks the lady doth protest too much.. its all an act. She writes books, newspaper columns, editorials, makes multiple TV appearances every week, and maintains a web site. When was the last time you saw an American work that hard? Glenn Reynolds doesn't do half of that and he has a family of Cuban refugees blogging for him. Heh, senor.

    Heres the proof a reader sent in.

    She's driving I think.

    I bet she's going to regret writing "In Defense of Internment" now.

    H/t: Chrissy C.

    p.s. If you need a green card- I'm available.

    S/W/A , nonsmoker,

    Likes: Pat Buchanan and Racial Profiling

    Dislikes: Political correctness and the Liberal Media

    [ed. Can we make this 4 in a row?!? Amish, you are on. frickin. fire!]


    Well, considering just about 24 hours ago I had 16,000 hits, and as little as two months ago I wondered if I would possibly hit 10,000 by 2005 - this is a pretty VERY cool thing.

    In celebration, here's Chunk doing the "truffle shuffle".

    Also a quick shout out to my biggest (and most loyal referrers over the last year):
    Ace of Spades

    Also, thanks UnPopulist, if you'd never banned Amish, he'd never have come over here. :)

    Thanks guys!

    Oh, and you wanna see how I got here? The last 24 hours...that's how...

    That's called an "Insta-Franka-Corner-Lanche" "Insta-Franka-Corner- Malk-alanche™" - and don't think about stealing that term, or I'll threaten you with a copyright infringement suit. Unless you're older than 13... Heh.

    UPDATE: UNBELIEVABLE! Might as well quit now folks, four of the heaviest hitters on the net have linked me in 24 hours. This little asinine blog... This has got me laughing so hard I'm having a hard time breathing!!

    Iraqi's fighting back

    Yep. This calls for the return of the "Happy Jihadi". Co-created with Sobek, this dancing gif is our alternative to the Drudge's "siren" and Ace's cowbell. Whenever you see it, you know that something good has happened in Iraq.

    Star Trek [Amish]

    Well since Star Trek: Enterprise has just been canceled, now is as good a time as any to count down the Top Ten Most Embarrassing Moments in Star Trek History:

    10) 9/7/93= Richard Gere apprehended by Paramount security for attempting to smuggle "tribbles" off of studio lot. Two of them were never recovered.

    9) 3/12/86= Riot breaks out at San Diego Trek convention between trekkies who prefer Ricardo Montalbans fake tits in "The Wrath of Kahn" and Shatners "all-natural" manboobs.

    8) 7/6/00= "Star Trek: Enterprise" chooses Baywatch style opening theme over fan favorite Rocket Man.

    7) 4/9/67=Lost episode of TOS in which Kirk deals with the knowledge he has picked up a communicable disease from an Orion slave girl. Unfortunately "The Trouble with Dribbles" has never been shown on American television.

    6) 5/2/66=Scotty drunk on Romulan Ale keeps referring to Klingons as "space n*****'s"


    4)6/11/86=Deforrest Kelly's black tar heroin habit finally catches up with him when he's arrested for trying to sell the whales from "Star Trek 4:The Voyage Home" to a Japanese consortium to earn money for his next score. His legal defense consisted mainly of "Dammit judge-I'm a doctor-not a poacher."

    3)3/12/93=Photos of Leonard Nimoy being arrested by L.A. police officers while in the company of one "Divine Brown." Nimoy partially redeems himself by appearing on the Tonight Show and admitting to be a "very naughty Vulcan."

    2)1/14/97=Lawsuit filed by animal rights group PETA for episode in which Kirk battled the Gorn.

    1)4/3/04=William Shatner finally snaps and kills heckler at Trek Con 94 when he asked when the Enterprise will finally wipe the Klingons from Uranus.

    [ed. Thx Amish, now I know wtf a "gorn" is]

    UPDATE: Holy cow, what a day! Welcome NRO readers! This has been quite the 24 hours over here at MOFK, first an Instalanche late last night, then a link by Frank, then this and to boot we just got our annual bonus at work. Hah! The crazy thing is, all these posts are from my guest-blogger Amish. So, while you're hear you might as well check out the post about Glenn, and the one about Andy (Sullivan). Thanks for stopping by, and enjoy!

    February 03, 2005

    OK, I feel like a teenage girl

    Total Kodak moment folks. Just get off playing some computer games, see I have a few random comments, look over to my site-meter and BAM! What do I see but a freaking Instalanche! This is what it looks like folks as of 11:09 PST.

    I feel like Ace, he's been pining for a link from Glenn since day 1, and when does it happen? When he's out pitching a script at Sundance, and his guest-bloggers have taken his spot over... go figure.

    Big props out to Amish for coming up with that post (and all the others)!!

    Now that Andrew Sullivan has retired... [Amish]

    (ed. OK, I should probably just re-name this blog to 'Musings of Amish' given all his posts lately... but I'm not complaining, they're good. :))

    How Andrew Sullivan will Spend His Retirement:

    5)Spend more time writing his book "Lincoln the Great Tailsplitter" or "Every Famous Person in History was Gay-Except for Hitler"

    4)Needs more time to formulate new positions on Iraq.

    3)Needs time to count all of the money he got from his last pledge drive. In a related story I'm going to quite posting a little early so i can go sell my blood. I will bring you back some cookies and juice if anybody wants some.

    2)Not get married- THANKS AGAIN GEORGE BUSH!

    1)Devote himself to the things that really matter to him. Buggery mainly.

    Glenn Reynolds is Evil [Amish]

    Everybody seems to think he is nothing more than a friendly college professor from Knoxville who helped kick start this whole blogging thing right? Fools! They don't even have colleges in Tennessee! What do you think they major in- diddling your cousin? Corn holing tourists on canoing trips 101? Frank J tried to warn you, but you just wouldn't listen would you? Reynolds is darkness incarnate. Evil is his business and business is good. Very good. Through a combination of evil, blogads, and off track betting he has amassed an enormous amount of wealth. When hes not snorting coke through a rolled up $100 dollar bill off of a hookers ass, he manages to still find time to spread his wickedness across the globe. Here are his top ten crimes against humanity:

    Top ten acts of InstaEvil:

    10)He dresses as Santa Claus and pretends to have a heart attack in front of small groups of children.

    9)Enjoys nothing better than a good game of dwarf tossing.

    8)He's Barbra Streisand's agent.

    7)He's the Man. You know ...the guy thats been keeping the black man down for the last 40 years. Thats Glenn.

    6)He has to kill hobos to get an erection.

    6)Hes currently helping O.J. look for the "real" killers.

    6)He wrote the pilot for the show "Full House." He got Bob Sagets soul for that one.

    5)He once linked to a blogger in Reno just to watch his server crash.

    4)Told Dick Cheney it was casual friday at Auschwitz.

    3)Told all of his guy friends that the Crying Game is a really good date movie.

    2)He's the one who spooked Christopher Reeves' horse.

    1)Told Shelly Long he thought it would be a good career move to leave Cheers. And then he banged her.

    [ed. Insta-lanche ahoy!]

    UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive! Welcome Instapundit readers! This post was written by one of my more shy guest-bloggers, "Amish"... as have most of the other recent posts here, so if you've enjoyed this one, be sure to check out any of Amishs' (and my) other posts - we've got some great top-5 and top-10 lists going. Thank you Mr. Puppy Blender!! :)

    Oh yeah, check out a snapshot of my site-meter, pre- and post-Instalanche. Hehe. And here's a month view.

    One last thing before I'm accused of completely botching this opportunity, if you're not already reading Ace of Spades HQ, you should start now. Great humor/political blog, great community, fun place to hang out, or do whatever it is we do on blogs. Plus, Ace was the first guy to ever give me traffic, so I owe him that much, right?

    Amish is back from vaca, and got a present! [Amish]

    A gift that keeps on giving...

    Ann Coulter gave me gonorrhea

    Yep you heard me. Ann Coulter gave me gonorrhea.

    Don't believe me? Well listen to these symptoms: swelling, Inflammation, and a burning sensation during urination, how else do you explain her bitchiness? It all makes sense now doesn't it? Gonorrhea.

    Sure she acts all uptight and Conservative on FOX News, but behind closed doors she's a freak. Whips and chains and all kinds of freaky shit. And she gets around too. She's been passed around the House and Senate like a bad Energy Bill. I happen to know for a fact that she is the cause of Dick Cheneys second and fourth heart attacks.What do you think finally killed Strom Thurmond? Hell, even Dick Durbin whips it to her occasionally.She gives a whole new meaning to government pork. Still not convinced? Well, my friend-here is documented proof of how Ann Coulter not only got the "clap" but also how she gave it to me:

    (Click for larger version)

    Sharpton denies it of course. He swears up and down six white police officers gave it to him.

    UPDATE: For those of you who read his site, Ace has been pretty sick lately. We know he was off doing something at Sundance, but Ace, say it ain't so! I sure hope this has nothing to do with Andy Sullivan's "hiatus"...