January 30, 2005

More Amish gossip...this time about Ace (!!)



O.K. I think that we can all agree that Aces ''I'm going to Sundance to sell a script" story is bullshit. I'm not sure what the truth is but there are a lot of rumors swirling around out there about what Ace has really been up to for the last few days. Maybe 'countless' isn't the right word to use. How about 'ten' rumors? Yep ten sounds right.Which is pretty convenient because here are:

THE TOP TEN RUMORS WHY ACE HASN'T BEEN POSTING:

10)Ace is currently in the custody of the federal witness protection program after amassing huge gambling debts to one Glenn"The Blogfather" Reynolds. Ace turned states evidence on Reynolds when Reynolds threatened to "blend his puppies" if he didn't come up with his cash. Ace was quoted as saying "In hindsight i admit it may have been foolish to bet on the Washington Generals to finally beat the Harlem Globetrotters. But come on, man-they were due!"

9)Ace is in rehab trying to break his addiction to Hallucinogenic toads.

8)In what can only be described as a coup, Aces' Star Trek erotic fan fiction has been picked up by the WB, in an attempt to cash in on the success of Showtimes' Queer as Folk.

7)Ace is currently filling the role of Rum-Tum-Tugger in an off, Broadway production of Cats. Co-starring Judy Tenuta as Rumpleteazer and Richard Roundtree as Old Deuteronomy! A memory you will never forget! Cats Now and Forever!

6)Ace has been moonlighting as a 'coyote' smuggling immigrants across the Canadian border. How else do you think Celine Dion and Bryan Addams got in? Talent?

5)Ace is currently on a whirlwind tour of collage radio stations in an attempt to expand his fan base and earn more 'mad blog money'. His masterful use of awkward silence, sporadically broken by bursts of "I CANT HEAR YOU" and "yes, John Kerry is a Drunken bear" wows giggling stoner law students from coast to coast. Unfortunately, due to poor reception, most of Aces' listeners mistakenly believe his blogs name is "Asscapades." And yes- the domain name "Asscapades" is has already been registered by
Brian Boitano.

4)Ace is unable to type after developing carpal tunnel syndrome from smacking Oliver Willis around all day. In related news-- Oliver is an idiot.

3) Ace is actually on the Presidents short list for new Homeland Security director. Unfortunately during the vetting process a "nanny" problem popped up. Don't worry--he didn't hire an illegal alien...he just has a thing for goats.

2)Ace is currently serving a short stint in the local jail for soliciting the services of a prostitute. Remember kids: The best looking hookers are always cops.

And the number 1 reason why Ace hasn't been posting is:

1) HE JUST CANT STOP TOUCHING HIMSELF

As for me-- I'm betting he's laying in bed, eating corn chips, and watching reruns of Perfect Strangers. Man, he just can't get enough of that Balki. Don't be ree-deek-ulous.