January 27, 2005

Amish loves Keith Olberman

"Hi im Keith Olbermann-I was voted Americas sexiest newsman by the readers of Playgirl magazine. Over ten thousand gay men cant be wrong"

The latest cable news ratings are out and things aint lookin too good for MSNBC so i figured i better use this Olbermann trivia i picked up from his Wikipedia bio. while hes still on the air.

Tonights Top Five Factoids:

1)Keiths shoe size is 13 1/2 or 14. This is actually a lie. Keith was naturally a mens size 7. Now its a well known fact that all the "ladies" who read Playgirl are size-queens. You can look it up. So during his campaign for 'Sexiest Newsman in America' Keith knew he had to do something. Enzyte? No. Chinese Rhinoceros horn? No. Cosmetic Surgery. That was the answer for Keith. But being the tireless researcher and fact checker that he is he discovered that Penile enhancement surgery was somewhat risky, so he decided to have his feet enlarged instead. You know what they say about a man with big feet dont you...

2)Keith Olbermann is a mutant freak: He possesses six lumbar vertebrae instead of the usual five. Keith needs that extra vertebrae to stand up to 'conservative attack dogs' trying to bury the Ohio recount story.

3) Keith damaged his depth perception in 1980 by rushing to catch a subway car at New York's Shea Stadium and slamming his head into the top of the door frame. Who the hell would admit to this? He could say he was mugged or was injured in Nam or any thing, but no-he smashed his head into a fucking door frame. Sure everybody bumps their head on occasion but to run headfirst into a subway train is a whole nother kind of stupid. Maybe he forgot about that extra vertebrae making him slightly taller than a normal human? I would say he's ready for the short bus, but he would probably trip over his giant feet and bump his head trying to get on.

4)Bread is like Kryptonite to Keith Olbermann:He has Celiac disease (gluten intolerance)-I have no idea what the hell 'gluten intolerance' is(for all i know it means he hates fat guys) so i had to look it up.Celiac disease is caused by exposure to certain dietary gluten proteins(aka bread) and is characterised by -and i quote-"diahrhea (with bulky, pale, offensive-smelling stools which may float in the toilet bowl." Which is also a pretty accurate description of Countdown.

5)Keith Olbermann wishes Bill O'reilly would share his loofah with him. O.k.- i made that last one up....but they would make a cute couple dont you think?

Which story will you be talking about around the water cooler tomorrow? Probably the one about the stool.

-Atomic 'FatKidsNewGuestBloggerWhosTooLazyToBecomeAMember' Amish

[ed. Thanks for the post Amish!]

UPDATE: He just became a member. I take it back.