November 18, 2004

Me, playing Half Life 2



No.

Seriously.

This game is nucking futs. I mean, shit like this just falls in your face and makes you either shit your pants or skip about 25 consecutive heart beats! AAAAARRGH!!! And yes, you will make the same face as above. For comparison purposes, take a look at my old 'staple': Diablo 2 expansion. Jumping from that, to this, is BLOWING. MY FRIGGING. MIND.

I play this game for one hour, and I find myself tense as shit, with a throbbing headache and a hard-on for more. Too much information you say? Why don't you go play it yourself. In that 60 minutes of game time (I had to stop b/c I thought I was going to throw up) I don't think my character stopped running full speed *from* something to keep from getting shot in the face. This game is non-stop-on-the-fly-killing-stuff while trying not to throw up.

Some things I've come across so far that strike me as "unique":
  • You are wandering around a devastated city, and pretty much everything you see can be shot at/blown up/knocked down/carried around - and you will most likely need to use everything you can see (and some things you can't) in order to get past whatever lies around the next corner. Case in point, I'm swimmin through the sewer/canal getting sniped from either side, can't jump onto the doc, so I have to wait by one of the wall supports for someone to throw a bomb at me, then get out of the way before it blows up, b/c DOWN goes the wall when it does. Thus creating a way for me to get onto the farking dock. That's one example, of about 50 things like that, which you need to achieve in the first hour of gameplay.
  • Dudes light barrels of something on fire, and roll/throw them at you - which would be cute if they didn't blow up at *the* most inopportune times, making your character deaf (no shit, the sound shuts off), blind (see camera flash comment) and dumb (see head-shot comment).
  • If you get hit in the head, your character gets the spins. And when I say the spins, I mean you look straight up in the sky, do a 1080 or something, then stop. This is one of the more vomitous maneuvers, b/c once one is done spinning, you're still looking straight up, have to level out, figure out which way you're pointing, then figure out who the FUCK just shot you in the face before they can tag you again. God forbid if you get shot in the head while already spinning.
  • A freshly minted character has to take on a number of mini-gun weilding helicopters. With a crowbar. That you can't throw. Not that it would make a difference mind you.
  • Even the little drones running around taking everyone's pictures (like in Washington, D.C.! -ed) - if you catch a flash in the eyes, your screen whites out for about 3 seconds! Sonofa...
Holy cow. This game is like crack. I kid you not.

Did I learn any lessons you ask? When one is shooting fish in a barrel, it sure sucks to be the fish.

(Did I mention I'm playing on the "easy" setting?)