April 28, 2004

"It's Time Somebody Did Something About Bread", and keep your damn politics to your damn self

Warning: Bread is Evil.

Did you know:
1) More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread eaters !
2) Exactly half of all children who grow up in bread - eating households score in the bottom 50% on standardized IQ tests !
3) In the 19th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 55 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, scarlet fever, smallpox and influenza ravaged entire nations !
4) Statistics show that more than 75 % of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread !
5) Bread is made from a substance called "dough." Researchers have proven that as little as one pound of dough can choke a large animal like a horse. The average person eats more bread than that in one month !
6) Bread is known to be extremely addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water, actually begged for bread after just two days !
7) Bread is a "gateway" food item, which usually leads to such items as butter, jam, peanut butter and even ... bacon !
8) Bread has been proven to kill. Scientists have now uncovered alarming evidence that 100% of the people who eat bread will eventually die !
9) Unattended newborn babies can choke on bread !
10) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 425 degrees Fahrenheit ! Don't laugh...that kind of heat can kill a full grown adult in less than five minutes.
11) 96 % of cancer victims eventually admit that they've eaten bread !

File this under: The beauty of statistics. (Thanks Mango!)

If you're wondering, W.T.F. is fat kid talking about now, he's eaten one too many crullers or something, this all in response to email pleas (see below) from a co-worker, begging for me (and all my co-workers) to give money to the "Million Mom March" (I'm not even linking it for a number of reasons, the first being it was conceived by a bored-ass housewife who saw coverage of Columbine on TV) - a march protesting gun violence, the NRA, and our Second Amendment to name a few. In any case, I'd let the first email go, b/c the woman propagandizing the march has had 2 kids killed in gang-related violence. I don't know about you, but is it callous of me to recommend that you MOVE after the first one gets jacked? Nah, that would be smart. Regardless, it happened, and I'm sad - but that doesn't give her any authority to disseminate BULLSHIT emails to the rest of the company trying to guilt us into giving money to a BULLSHIT cause that is trying to strip my freedoms. So, as I mentioned, I let the first email slip - just talked to HR about it. Then, the second, third, fourth and fifth emails came across my desk - from a couple people in that office. W.T.F. I'll see if I can round them up so you can get a flavor for what I'm dealing with here....

OK, fifth email first:
As many of you are aware, XXX is active with the Million Mom March. Many of us at the XXX platform would like to join together for this year's march, which is to be held on May 9 (Mother's Day), in support of XXX. Anyone who wants to participate should register through the link listed below. Registering only takes a couple of minutes on-line. Please let me know if you intend to participate, since we will be having t-shirts made for the event. (Let me know t-shirt sizes and we will try to accommodate those requests as well...)

More information will follow about the event.

Those who cannot participate but who would like to make a donation are welcome to do so by sending a check payable to the Million Mom March to me in the XXX office. We will likely have other opportunities to contribute in support of XXX and her family in the future.

(emphasis mine)

Fourth email:
In lieu of flowers, two suggestions for XXX would be to send in a donation to the Million Mom March, or to the XXX Memorial Gift Fund. (See below.) There also is discussion of doing something for XXX's grandaughter, with details to be worked out later.

This year's Million Mom March is to be held in Washington on May 9. XXX, XXX, and I will be organizing a team of XXX people to march in support of XXX. We will be providing more information next week on this event, and hope that many of those here locally will be able to participate.